Like the Republican Party, the Mormon church now says it is okay to be gay. Their twist on the subject, however, is that while it is okay to be a homosexual, you just can’t act on it.

Manti Te’o says he isn’t gay. I’d do him anyway. The story, which at best should have lasted for a single 24-hour news cycle, became the lead news for the pundits at FOX, who spotting a new newsworthy member of a minority wrapped up in a scandal, couldn’t control themselves.

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Te’o now admits that though he’d previously told his father that he met Lennay in person, he never did. Though he did meet Tuiasosopo. For two men who like to point to their staunch religious beliefs – they are both Mormon – as justification for why neither can possibly be gay, neither seems capable of telling the truth. Or being believable when they lie. So much for the power of magic underwear.

I haven’t a clue why this phenomenon exists, but have frequently thanked the gods that it does. So despite having fallen in love with a dude, Te’o has another six years to go before he turns gay. I just hope he manages to find a real boyfriend when he does. Like in Thailand, ladyboys are part of Samoan culture. They just don’t pull it off as well.

I did mention hot naked male flesh, right? For those of you unfamiliar with the story, let me fill you in on the basics. Te’o, who is a linebacker for Notre Dame’s football team, met a girl on-line, fell in love, bragged to all of his buddies about his new girlfriend – whom he had never met in person – and then elicited tons of sympathy when shortly after the death of his grandmother, his girlfriend died too. If a touri who spent a week in Thailand getting his rocks off with a bar boy can claim he now has a boyfriend, a semi-athletic Samoan can claim girlfriend rights with an internet friend too. Free tila tequila naked juice. Three months later, the ‘girlfriend’ resurfaced, alive once again.

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Other than that Penn State recently discovered how detrimental sweeping a scandal under the rug can be. Regardless, the media went crazy for the story because the choice between reporting on the Fiscal Cliff or a football player’s no longer dead fake girlfriend was an obvious one. It’s just a shame he hadn’t shot her, or the story would have really had legs. Manti Te’o says he isn’t gay.